Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
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I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Barbie gone wild
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
i hope my email finds you on fire
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened