Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I was on a date with a girl and she said “did you notice my finger nails?” And I was like “yes” and she was like “well I have no arms”
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Why am I like this?
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100