Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
You Might Also Like
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
*wife offers me a sip of her water*
m: Am I gonna catch what you have?
w: No
m:
w:
m: Are you sur-
w: You’re not going to get my period!
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*