WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
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what
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
6: are snakes just neck?
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Being a girl under 5’4 is tough. Imagine pulling up your shirt at a party and screaming WOOOOO! and nobody notices and you have to go get a stepstool.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My 3 year-old asked me why our dog sleeps all day. I explained it’s because our dog is old.
3 then replied in a low voice, “We should get a new dog.”
So my question is this; can I join witness protection now before he figures out MY age?
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.