I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣
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me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Sometimes the fudge you bought on vacation turns out to be soap, but never the reverse. That’s how vacations work.
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐