Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
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Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Looking at you, Jesus.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
😬
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!