So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
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Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
me: [unlocking door] id better warn you, im a bit of a hoarder
her: lol like what
me: well, most of its grandmas
her: [struggling to wade through hundreds of old women] i see
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
Apparently the main job qualification for being a pirate was that you had to be named after a beard.
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
In what he hoped would be his final attempt, Cupid opted this time to hit me with a grappling hook.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan