If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I used to accidentally repeat stories to my friends a lot but now I just say “I think I’ve already told you this” and say it again anyway
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.