Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
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doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Can we stop trashing couples for meeting on the internet?
For centuries it was like, “my cousin in Idaho knows a farmer looking for a spouse, you should write him a letter,” and then you got married.
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.