It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
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Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Doggies just call it style.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Doctor: it’s a beautiful baby girl!
Nurse: what’s her name?
Me: well we both love Kit Kats
Nurse: that’s so cute! Kit, or Kat?
Me: meet Wafer
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.