Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
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HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*
*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Stick it to the man
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.