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HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
me: i’ll have the steak
waiter: this is a vegan restaurant
me: ok i’ll have the vegan
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Ooop, you spit-talked on me. I’m just gonna pretend nothing happened and freak out inside my mind.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
The Sun’s probably Asian.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Sophomore year I called my mom excited to tell her I had declared my majors. Me: “I’m gonna double major in drama & sociology” Her: “Drama & sociology?! Whatcha gonna do with THAT ACT LIKE YOU’RE HELPING PEOPLE” 🤷🏾♀️😂
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.