Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
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Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
I really want another child, but the idea of starting over with another pregnancy/infant feels like Katniss heading back into the arena.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs