My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
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wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
my sentiments exactly
Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend