me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
You Might Also Like
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I was bored.
*power walks to the refrigerator*