genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
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I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.