[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
#titanic
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
@ candidates for local office
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.