Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
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Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
I hope this email punches you square in the face
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
The problem w marriage is communication. When I said I hoped he’d go down in a plane I meant more crash & burn, less on the flight attendant
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
*Makes three typos while trying to correct one*
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.