me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
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my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
My nickname in high school was “who?”
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
#math
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..