Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
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no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
ugh i did a load of laundry earlier & now i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)