The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
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What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
Him: What are you watching?
Me: Um, it’s like a foreign documentary
Him: What’s it called?
Me: I don’t actually remember
Him: Is it 90 Day Fiancé?
Me: yeah
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Having a lot of conversations where I sigh heavily and say “Yeah I just don’t think enough people are prepared for the possibility that this may never really end” except no one knows I’m talking about the chicken sandwich wars
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Me My dog
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.