The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
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i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Her: I want you to choke me daddy
Me: *throws whole grapes into her mouth
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Got Fired by the Zoo for Giving all the Meerkats Tiny Binoculars
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates
Comparing yourself to others
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
If snot was currency we’d all end up paying through the nose.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
Oh hi lol
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names