[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
You Might Also Like
Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
I was walking around the house naked and one of our smoke detectors went off so now it’s my favorite smoke detector.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
RIP fred flintstone he would’ve loved treadmills.
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Before I get in a fight I like to say something quick and intimidating. Like, “You just signed your permission slip for the field trip to hell. Also I’m your chaperone and in addition to that I’m the Devil. Here comes the bus. I am also the bus.”
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
9: *talks about Minecraft*
Me: *hears white noise* cool
9: *eyes narrow* which part was the coolest
Me: *eyes narrow* the part…
9:
Me: …with the…
9:
Me: *sweating*…ender dragon
9:
Me:
9: cool
Me: cool
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.