Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
That guy who narrates the true crime shows has the most soothing voice. He should be reading bedtime stories or something but instead he’s saying stuff like “Then he cut off her head and dumped her car in the river” all chill and mellow.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Part of adulthood is finding a hobby that you don’t have time for.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.