Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
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I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
A short story about romance.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
first you must answer his riddles
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
i did the math
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*wife sees me crying*
Her: What’s going on?
Me: The kids gave me this
*holds up Dad Is #1 mug*
W: That’s sweet
H: Sweet? They think I’m pee!
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair