Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
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Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!