Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
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I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”
Him: “What kind of car trouble?”
Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.