GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
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*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Did you know that by today’s standards Marilyn Monroe would be considered dead?
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?