TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
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I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Science memes
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??