dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
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My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.