*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
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SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Engineer: we’ve done it. We’ve created the most advanced robot known to man, even capable of feeling emotion
Boss: can he read slightly jumbled letters when trying to sign up to a website?
Engineer: obviously not
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
*works out for 75 mins
*eats an entire batch of cookie dough
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.