ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
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4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Stewardess, the door just blew off the plane. Can I get a blanket?
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?