H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
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Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
No, YOUR illiterate.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Kids: Stay in school.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
men, we mow at sunrise.