Me when someone tries to get to know me
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I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
you gotta be faster
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
A short story of betrayal:
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
the fondue…? you mean, my drinking cheese?
passion fruit: i had a wild date last night, what did you do?
jackfruit: oh nothing
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
“I see you’re going somewhere. Guess I’ll walk right in front of you.”
— kids, pets, spouses
Europe. Made in Germany.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura