The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
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He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..
Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..
by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman