To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
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me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m giving up ice.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy
I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game