I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: they didn’t have cell phones when I was a kid
5: they also didn’t have cars
I’m sorry…what?
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.