Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
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INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
Coffee so hot you pretend not to notice it when you’re out with your wife.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Good morning y’all ☀️
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
For Christmas my wife gave me a coupon for “Swimming with Sharks.”
I got her a coupon for “Bungee Jumping.”
We both have a death wish or we have been together too long.
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.