Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
You Might Also Like
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Poetry is my passion
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
I forgot my phone…
2005: I don’t need to be that accessible
2010: Let’s make this a short trip
2015: OH MY GOD, WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
I was in my closet and my 4YO walked in right past me, pulled out a box I had NO idea was in there, got out a lollipop and a dinosaur toy he fought his sister for yesterday, put the box back, and walked out.
I am equal parts impressed and terrified right now.
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.