I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
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When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Today’s Times
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon