[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
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SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Chaperoned my son’s field trip to the farm today. Didn’t lose any children! But this fluffy kid has been clucking the whole bus ride home…
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating