So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The crows are royally pissed off about something this morning and I’m thinking about flying up there and joining.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Cop: Will I find any drugs in your car?
Me: I don’t know but if you do, I’m not sharing.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.