If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Birds & Planes.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.