You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
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On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Based on the noise, my neighbors cars is stuck in the snow. If the aim of my potato gun is correct he’s gonna have a broken windshield too.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
My neck, my back, my…
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Did you know you have the right to remain silent even when you’re not being arrested?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life