If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
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I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
A fake ID that makes you younger
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit