“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
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son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Canadian owl: Eh?
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
im 7 sauces long
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Sorry dinner took so long! My son wanted to help and he had never used a can opener, so…the tuna casserole took about six hours longer than it should have. But he learned so much in that time.
Bon appetit!
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle