Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
it’s either covid or clever vampires
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
hey boy, are you my period? because you’re annoying as hell but I still wanna see you regularly
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
why would tinder want me to say this
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again