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That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
this is the best day of my life
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life