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me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
I love the honesty
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
[phone rings]
“You’re gonna die in 7 days”[me, pantless in dark kitchen, lips to phone]
Can u make it 5
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
That’s enough internet for the day
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road