Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
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I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
the composer
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
LA today:
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
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HEYYYY MACARENA
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music